On Friday April 8th, my current titles grew to include ‘published author.’ That means a piece of my writing is in a book available for the public to purchase and read. One personal chapter of my life story is out there in the world offering light in whatever way it does for those who take it in. I have feelings, so many feelings around this whole process. I remind myself that these feelings are all natural; that it is ok not to be okay; whatever I’m feeling is welcome; and I have the capacity to hold it all.

I am celebrating, yes. I heard a call, and I answered with a “yes!” The invitation was to contribute to a multi-author book collaboration called Invisible No More: Stepping Into the Spotlight. Of course I could share a chapter on this theme, that could be the theme of my whole memoir for life so far! This opportunity felt right through every layer of my being, except maybe the voice of Lolitta, the inner critic in my head. She had opinions about how the opportunity was too risky. Bless her.

Once I got her set up for a retreat at the beauty shop strategically designed by my imagination, I got to work on the assignment. Only I had lost track of my intention between auditions and showtime because there was a lot of noise in the atmosphere (Lolitta included and all the life stuff that doesn’t stay put while we bring our dreams to fruition). So I worked without intention for some time and found myself staring at my own version of the spinning rainbow umbrella that indicates something is not working as expected. I reset and realigned, and I began again. My writing process has evolved. My understanding of myself has evolved. My coaching practice has evolved. I celebrate all that this opportunity has taught me, and the gifts grow every day. 

I am also grieving. It doesn’t make sense on the surface level, but when I drop in and listen, this grief is deep and real. Evolution means change. I’ve been saying goodbye to old ways, and I’ve been wading through the muck of social and cultural conditioning that have restricted my full expression for most of my life. It has felt lonely and treacherous, and, at the same time, like a brilliant and nourishing homecoming. I’m shedding masks and armor that I took because I needed their protection, and I’m not the same now as I was under all that weight. I’m stepping into this new posture, and my beloveds need time to adjust. I need time to adjust.

Yet, here we are and the story carries on, and I get to adjust in real time in the spotlight as a published author–an international bestselling author. People congratulate me, and Lolitta fills the air with diminishing critique, but I pause and reply with my heartfelt gratitude.

I thank each and every one of you for supporting me in all the ways. If you’ve read Invisible No More: Stepping into the Spotlight, I’d love to hear how it landed for you. If you haven’t read it, my chapter is called “Finding Light: Integration from Stage to Page,” and the book is only 99 cents (usd) on Kindle, which you can access right from your web browser without even buying a Kindle reader. Technology is amazing. I’m grateful for accessibility. 

Grief and gratitude and wading through it with grace, my friends; that’s where I’m at. How about you? Where might you feel such paradox/both/and? What is your practice for wading through it? Drop a line in the comments, send me a private email or book a curiosity call if it feels right.